Thursday, April 5, 2012

I Won't Give Up

It's funny because I keep hearing this new song everywhere this week. I really love the words. I feel like God has me listening to it over & over this week so I know I can do all the things that are set before me on my overflowing plate at the moment. I have the four boys going in all different directions in their lives. I always feel like I'm missing something where they ae concerned because there is only one grown-up in the house at the moment. I get so exhausted at times and hate when I hear myself saying "later I'll do such & such later with you". But yesterday at their parent teacher conferences all I heard was compliments on everything from their behaviors to their school work. I heard that my youngest is beyond smart & social. He is making huge strides in his behaviors this year. I learned that Jeremy for the first time EVER had conquered all his Occupational therapy goals!!-WHOO-HOO!! His OT thinks he could even not need her next year if his progress continues! This is HUGE as he has been going since he was 5 years old.

Then when I went to my oldest son's conference he presented an amazing Powerpoint presentation full of animation. He already has his future mapped out through to his graduation of Law school to passing the BAR. WOW! I look back and remember I was the same way only I just wanted to graduate from four years of college with a teaching degree. His schedule for his sophomore year is hard & he picked his classes all himself. He is so excited & enthusiastic still about school that I prayed last night God let's him succeed so his enthusiasm remains. His grades where good & his teachers love him-YAY Next came son number two who has always been the one to know which of my buttons to push. He has struggled the last two deployments only at home with me & his behavior. At times I want to scream at the top of my lungs "why why do I get all the sarcastic rude comments but you behave for everyone else?". I know this is just part of his anger about his dad being gone alot as well as his personality. He came out screaming & has never looked back. But his teachers where giving him high marks and praise. His English teacher who gave him an A actually told him " You could do better if you paid closer attention". That made my day to know she thought he could get an A+ as he has to work his tail off for his good grades unlike son #1 & #4 who are just naturally good at school. I left all the conferences thinking maybe I wasn't doing such a horrific job with the boys these past ten months on my own after all- thank you Jesus!

Then came time for the puppy- the wonderful ball of soft squishy golden fur who demands almost all my time. It was time to head to puppy class where I honestly never know how Banyan will  behave. It's gotten to the point where I was dreading Wednesday  night class every week. Last night Banyan showed up with his best service dog brain WORKING!! He did everything I asked the first time & even shocked his teacher. I train him everyday all the time. He is rarely not learning something. Even when he was swimming this week at the lake. At one point I had him come sit & wait by me while he had to watch Panzer swim. He was shaking with excitement it was very hard for him. He did so good last night it gave me hope that I am not messing up the dog either.

It's hard as a single parent even for just one year every other year lately to not get overwhelmed. I have about eight different balls I'm juggling & if one falls they all seem to crash. As I heard this song played every time I turned on the radio this week , I sang along. I realized if I just breathe and keep plugging along never give up on the kids, the dogs, the friends, or myself we will be just fine. That I have to try and be more positive when I hear other wives complain or whine (because that's what it sounds like to me ) when they only have one or two children who are ALL Healthy about how hard their life is at the moment. That this moment to them is hard!  I have to stop thinking "lady try living in my world for a day- you would not be complaining". I have to stop thinking like that so I can keep going and realize even though I have a whole big bundle of things on my plate- God knows I can handle it if I just trust him. That he has sent people into my life this year to help  me along my path if I just let them. Which I admit is hard for me to do, I hate asking for help. Another thing I think multiple deployments has made me, very overly independent. It's not a bad thing just something I need to work on for myself to not feel so overwhelmed. 
Anyway back to the song, I love the words and the sound. It makes me teary every-time because it reminds me so much of all the struggles as a wife & mom I go through while Paul is away. That I know I won't give up- I can't because I love my family to much.

I live for my family & they ask for a lot in return my love- oh wait that isn't hard to give. The boys love me no matter what kind of day I'm having. Even the dogs love me when I'm exhausted and the tears flow. They know mom's good she won't give up on us, even though the skies have gotten rough. She never has before & she never will.


Anonymous said...

You are one very strong woman.

I love this song.

AiringMyLaundry said...

Great post.

You have a beautiful family.

Amanda said...

Thanks ladies, just having one of those weeks where I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.