Today started off with my head pounding & nose running super tired ,out of coffee creamer kind of Monday. Yeah- not so great.I managed to get three out of the four boys off to school only to find out Jeremy was feeling as yucky as me. He slept in until 10ish when I made him get up, take some medicine, & eat a little something. After which I parked him with his favorite blanket, stuffed elephant & pillow in front of his favorite cartoon shows.I loaded & folded some laundry then I decided forget it I feel awful I am going to read my new book that arrived on Friday .I haven't even glanced inside yet. This in itself is very unusual for me as I love to read & rarely wait to start a new book. But we where just busy this weekend & it got pushed aside.
So I grab my vitamin water my slippers & park it in my chair ready to read the latest recommended reading for us Military Spouses:Behind the Blue-Star Banner by:Michelle Cuthrell I really should have done my research like I normally do, it isn't about the meaning of The Blue-Star banner we so proudly display for our soldier's when they are deployed- nope not at all.It is one Army wives account of her journey through her first deployment & how she survived. I barely made it through the introduction with out the tears rolling down my cheeks.There should have been a disclaimer on the Facebook post that recommended this book- it is very well written don't get me wrong. But for someone who has done multiple deployments & is heading into another it is a hard read.
I loved how she made me realize I am not an insane , split personality crazy Army wife! That most days leading up to a deployment & during the deployment you are trying to be "normal" have your Mr. Hyde personality on even when Dr. Jekyll is lurking around waiting to emerge.It also made me realize that with all my "battle buddies" leaving at the end of the summer this deployment was going to be one of the longest & loneliest since we did our very first after we where married.
I know all my friends want me to step back & take a break from all the FRG volunteer activities of my past. But as I read I realized I AM that wife that loves to give back during the deployments. It helps me stay connected to others who are going through the same emotions as me. Who won't judge me when I loose it at some point. It really isn't taking a "break" for me , it is making me go a little nuts inside with the idea of still not knowing any spouses but one. Saying "No" to going to the first Steering meeting I got invited to tomorrow. I said no because it's the first birthday in years that Paul will be home for & I was being a little selfish. When I know in all reality we won't do a lot it's a school night. I'll pick a favorite meal or we will go out to eat as a family. But in the back of my head Dr. Jekell is SCREAMING you are missing the chance to meet other spouses what have you done!!
This is a good read but a hard book to get through. I am feeling the throws of being down to four short months until he leaves. Down to starting to make lists of what needs to get done in that time & fit in a vacation.Yes I am seeing the split personality emerge that will eventually overtake this Army wife when I say goodbye again to my best friend. The only saving grace at this point is my Type A personality has most of my summer months planned with the kids & friends to make those first few weeks go by a little faster. I must say living in Deployment mode STINKS!!! Today is a a good example of how we get reminded of what is coming again & how we wish we could change the outcome. I am going to go & finish the book that I can't seem to put down, grab a box of tissues as well. I am at the part where she is having the baby- did I forget to mention the poor wife was pregnant during her first deployment!!!! YIKES- don't say I didn't warn you if you choose to read- it's good but heart wrenching.
Favorite passage so far from the book (there are many) is the following scripture that I think I'll print out at some point & tape to my bathroom mirror for days it all seems a little too much-
James 1:2-4 " Consider it pure joy my brothers, when you experience trials of many kinds,for the testing of your faith produces perseverance.Perseverance must finish it's work in you so that you may mature & complete, lacking in nothing."
Joy is a choice that you make everyday- so I will need to make it a choice to be joyful in these upcoming months- not an easy task somedays....